In my last post I shared a video from Jimmy, an awesome dad of an FTM son. In this video, he along with his son Peter offer advice for transpeople coming out to their parents.
In the following video, Kyp shares his experience with coming out to his family.
Coming out to family - especially parents, can be one of the most difficult challenges one faces when they transition. In addition to the physical and social torment our bodies cause us, thoughts plague us for years about whether our families will understand or disown us, and ultimately, accept us.
Even though coming out to your parents can be a really difficult thing to do, keep in mind in the end they are your parents and love you and want the best for you. Not all parents will have the terrible reaction we all expect, though - Jimmy is one of those parents.
In the following video Jimmy interviews his FTM son Peter about what it is like being transgender. Jimmy is a remarkable man and the kind of dad anyone would be lucky to have. Most can only hope to have parents that are this understanding and educated about gender and identity.
In this next video, the tables are turned and Forest talks openly with his parents about being transgender. He speaks with them about his past, how he never really fit in, and how they feel about him being trans.
I came out to my parents in a series of letters and through many talks throughout the years. I have always been a fan of the written word and have found writing a good medium in which to express my thoughts; the other party has time to process the contents on their own time and how they feel comfortable without the tension of having to take it all in at once or fearing my reaction which could lead to a verbal altercation and misunderstanding.
If anyone is curious on what to say to your parents in a coming out letter, I have published two of the letters I wrote to my parents in the beginning of my transition in my Charlie Begins blog here and here.
Paruresis /ˌpɑrəˈriːsɪs/ par-ə-ree-sis) is a type of phobia in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the (real or imaginary) presence of others, such as in a public restroom. It most commonly affects males, though there are female sufferers too. [via Wikipedia]
I recently made this video about “pee shyness.” It is an actual medical condition (a social anxiety disorder) called *paruesis (also called urophobia) that affects a lot of men (women can suffer from this too), and transmen seem to suffer from their fair share of it too. I have done a few videos on men's bathrooms because they really seem to be a source of stress for a lot of transmen.
As the video below tries to show, just relax and take it easy! It is not as bad as you think. The less nervous you are, the smoother the experience will go. Guys are way different in the bathroom; they are not as “alert” as women and want to get in there, do their business, and get out of the restroom with making as little eye contact as possible.
Transwomen have the rougher side of the coin; they go from a “business” type approach to the bathroom to a very social and potentially scrutinizing situation. Women pay much more attention to other people in the restroom; men generally could care less. Men are usually comfortable peeing in front of anyone (though not always the case) and they could care less if a woman walked in - if they did, they could opt to use a stall. On the whole, men don't give a hoot and neither should you!
I did this particular video with a non trans male friend while living in San Francisco to get his opinion on the whole men's bathroom situation and peeing standing up. It is important to remember that these are merely his views and not representative of all non transmales, just as my videos and writings are my experiences and do not represent the transmale community as a whole.
We are all different and have different experiences in transition, and they are all valuable and genuine. It is important not to compare yourself to others and just live out your life and transition the way is right for you.
*There is an organization for those who suffer from paruesis called the International Paruesis Association and they are located in Baltimore, MD. They offer support to those who suffer from this condition and promise you are not alone - they estimate that 7% of the public, some 17 million people may suffer from paruesis.
Welcome to the official IPA (International Paruresis Association) website. This site is provided as a resource for people who find it difficult or impossible to urinate in the presence of others, either in their own home or in public facilities. Also, for people who have difficulty under the stress of time pressure, when being observed, when others are close by and might hear them, or when traveling on moving vehicles.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In fact, recent studies show that about seven percent (7%) of the public, or 17 million people, may suffer from this social anxiety disorder. Often referred to as Pee-Shy, Shy-Bladder, Bashful Bladder, etc., avoidant paruresis is nothing to be ashamed of, and you have made an important step simply by coming to this website.
Inside you will find helpful information on support groups, support seminars (workshops), and even drug therapy. There is also a useful and friendly discussion board where you can share your problems and success -- or just "listen in" -- with others who have the same problem as you.
In this video I recount the experience I had with the administration at the university where I graduated. I had to have my transcripts sent to Portland State University so I had to stop by student services. I have been getting alumni mail addressed to “Ms. Asher,” which is frustrating – I never thought to do a gender change within the university, and I guess they didn't get the memo when the name changed from Christina to Charles.
After the guy was done processing my transcript request form, he asked me if there was anything else he could help me with. I told him about getting mail as “Ms.” and asked if they “accidentally” had me as female in their system. He looked, turned bright red, and told me they did.
Then he asks, “you're not a girl are you?”
I found this question fairly ridiculous considering he was asking a dude with a beard if he was a girl. I think the whole “Ms.” thing threw him off so much that he didn't really think about what he was asking – I don't think the trans thing even crossed his mind.
If he has asked if I was a transguy or if I had been born female/assigned female at birth, I wouldn't have said no – but I live and navigate the world as male and am not a girl. Simple as that. It's not my problem if he didn't connect the dots!
I have gained a lot more confidence in dealing with situations in which “the trans thing” comes up – whether it be administration at my old college, flying and TSA body scans, or running into someone from my past. I am always matter-of-fact about it and up front – there is no reason not to be, and a little education and awareness go a long way.
OPEN CALL FOR AN ANTHOLOGY OF TRANS & GENDERQUEER POETRY
Dear Author,
We want your words.
What is the project: We are creating an anthology. An anthology of the best poems out there by trans and genderqueer writers and we would love to include your work in the book. Our assumption is that the writing of trans and genderqueer folks has something more than coincidence in common with the experimental, the radical, and the innovative in poetry and poetics (as we idiosyncratically define these categories), and with your help we’d like to manifest that something (or somethings) in a genderqueer multipoetics, a critical mass of trans fabulousness.
This anthology is edited by TC Tolbert and Tim Peterson (Trace)—both trans-identified poets. It will be published by EOAGH Books in early 2012, and you can bet it will be widely distributed!
Deadline for Submissions: Nov 30, 2011 What to Submit: 7-10 pages of poetry, and a prose “poetics” statement (see below) Where to Submit: email us at transanthology@gmail.com
Why is this anthology important: While trans and genderqueer poets have existed for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, there has never been a collection of poetry exclusively by trans and genderqueer writers that also highlights a diverse range of poetics and other marginalized identities. Each particular understanding of self and gender creates an essentially complex and rich multipoetics that undermines any sort of universal trans aesthetic. Inherently multi- vocal and anti-hegemonic, a singular trans experience simply does not exist and, frankly, we don’t want it to. For this reason, an anthology is the most conducive venue for undoing any attempted whitewashing and/or homogenizing of an imagined trans voice. As we said, we want your words. The words, syntax, perspective, lyric, narrative, image (or the disruption of any of these) that could actually only come from you.
What kind of writing are we looking for: This anthology seeks writing that makes us wet our panties a little bit and wonder what the f* have we been doing with our lives all this time. While this project exists in a historical context of several important anthologies that gather marginalized and under-represented writers (This Bridge Called My Back, No More Masks, The Open Boat, The World in Us, etc), this will be the first anthology to foreground the poetic writings of trans and genderqueer authors. The book will feature 7-10 pages of work from approximately 35 poets and we hope you will be one of them!
A meta-layer of fabulous: One thing that makes this anthology unique is that it will include a statement on poetics by each participant, along with your poems. This is a chance for you to tell us something about your writing process, writing practice, theory of life, or whatever you like. It might include the relationship of the body and text, or the practice of reading and misreading text and the body, or locations, connections, and divisions of the self amongst text and the self amongst other bodies or...you get the point.
About the editors:
TC Tolbert is a genderqueer, feminist poet and teacher committed to social justice. S/he is the Assistant Director of Casa Libre en la Solana and an Adjunct Instructor at The University of Arizona and Pima Community College. S/he is the creator of Made for Flight, a youth empowerment project that utilizes creative writing and kite building to commemorate murdered transgender people and to dismantle homophobia and transphobia. TC’s chapbook, territories of folding, was recently published by Kore Press. His poems can be found in Volt, The Pinch, Drunken Boat, Shampoo, A Trunk of Delirium, jubilat, and EOAGH. His work won the Arizona Statewide Poetry Competition in 2010 and was a Sawtooth finalist in 2009 and 2010. His first full length collection, Gephyromania, is forthcoming from Ahsahta Press. www.tctolbert.com
Tim Peterson (Trace) is a trans-identified poet, critic, and editor. The author of Since I Moved In (Chax Press), and Violet Speech (2nd Avenue Poetry), Peterson also edits EOAGH: A Journal of the Arts (which published a special issue Queering Language dedicated to trans poet and mentor kari edwards in 2007). Peterson’s poetry and criticism have been published in Colorado Review, EBR, Five Fingers Review, Harvard Review, Leonardo Electronic Almanac, The Poetry Project Newsletter, Transgender Tapestry, and in the recent book NO GENDER: Reflections on the Life and Work of kari edwards (Belladonna/Limus Press). A Ph.D. student at CUNY Graduate Center, Peterson curates the TENDENCIES: Poetics & Practice talks series dedicated to queer writing and the manifesto. More information at http://tendenciespoetics.com
We are incredibly excited about this project and look forward to working with you!
